Growing up I sensed my mom was happy in spite of many struggles. I saw that her values and appreciation of life’s simple pleasures played an important part. Even so, I needed to personally experience what she modeled before I could apply her wisdom to myself and others. From a young age I observed human nature, always wondering, “What does it take for a person to feel happy?” My quest for that answer has continued.
Now, as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have the privilege of sitting with clients every day who share with me the intimate details of their lives. Clients come to therapy in part because they want to feel happy! They come to seek solutions to regular life problems. They may need support and guidance to achieve their life goals. Whatever the case, they benefit from talking with a therapist. It is my belief that each individual is the expert on their life and ultimately the best solutions will come from within them. I also know if we can change our self-defeating thoughts, our feelings and lives will also change. Dale Carnegie said, “Remember happiness doesn’t depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.”
Thoughts are powerful! In therapy people can develop the tools, self-awareness, outlook and confidence to transform life’s challenges into a meaningful life infused with energy and optimism. As a therapist, part of my work is to listen and pose pertinent questions to help clients accomplish their goals. What follows are my personal and professional observations of the benefits of appreciation as a daily practice for health and happiness.
When I was young, each morning as my mom drove me to school she would say, “Look at the morning glories.” Tired, and still trying to wake up, I would roll my eyes and wonder why she said this every day. Later, when I moved away to college, I thought of her when I saw morning glories—finally appreciating her desire to share with me on a regular basis the beauty in nature. Now I walk as often as possible in lovely neighborhoods, by the ocean, lake or mountains, to appreciate and connect with nature to remember what a beautiful world we live in. Baby ducks or geese waddling around always lift my mood. Weekly I play fetch with a dog and daily I pet my cats and bask in their peaceful purrs.
“Do not pollute your beautiful, radiant inner Being nor the Earth with negativity. Do not give unhappiness in any form whatsoever a dwelling place inside you.” (Tolle, 178) Stop and smell the roses and observe the miracle of life around you, regardless of your circumstances. Be grateful in everything. "Not what we have But what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance." Epicurus
This is one of the most powerful tools in life and relationships. Focus on the good, and more good will come. Ancient religions and modern spiritual guides will tell you the same. The Dali Lama, in The Art of Happiness describes it this way:
Happy people in contrast, are generally found to be more sociable, flexible, and creative and are able to tolerate life’s daily frustrations more easily than unhappy people. And, most important, they are found to be more loving and forgiving than unhappy people. (17)
When you focus on and give voice to what you appreciate about someone, it reinforces their positive behavior and creates intimacy. No one enjoys being criticized. Find the good in others, express the positive, and you will have long lasting relationships. Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek,” and promoted servant leadership, with humility and love. Compassion for your enemies is difficult but forgiveness can lead to your own sense of peace. “Peace of mind or a calm state of mind is rooted in affection and compassion. There is a very high level of sensitivity and feeling there.” (Dali Lama, 26)
Others who know our strengths and weaknesses can help us view things in a more positive way. As a child I was playing outside when a bee stung me. I ran inside crying to mom. She sat me on the counter, pulled out a glass in which she began catching my tears. She held the glass up to the sunlight shining in through the window and said “Look at how beautiful they are!” I saw the rainbow of colors in my tears and suddenly I was laughing. There was joy and beauty even in my pain. It was one of the most valuable lessons I have learned.
Daily appreciation is a necessary practice for inner joy as expressed in the wise words of William Wordsworth, “Rest and be thankful.” This down time to reflect allows you to refuel and prioritize. List the things that drain your energy and find ways to appropriately delegate or eliminate them from your life. It is also important to ask for help when needed!
As infants, we are dependent on our caretakers, usually mom or dad. As we become independent some of us are reluctant to ask for help, thinking it a weakness. In fact, “interdependence” is necessary for success in life. As stated by Isaac Newton: "If I can see further than anyone else, it is only because I am standing on the shoulders of giants".
One thing you can do right now is make a list of the people you rely on. Then you can make use of it when you feel stressed or unhappy. Recognize that we are all social creatures who are connected and need each other. Mental health improves when we are involved with a healthy community. Do your best to distance yourself from people who are destructive or drain your energy. When you connect with supportive people and disconnect from toxic people it makes a world of difference.
Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us, “If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.” (3) We are social creatures who need others, and they us. Random acts of kindness can change the course of a bad day into a good day. Simple things like smiling, treating others with respect, or offering to help can spread happiness. Compassion for others will help you feel better, distract you from your problems and expand your perspective. It is in the journey we find joy, not in the destination.
I hope this article encourages you and brings you closer to feeling happy more often. Like a boat whose rudder is moved slightly to change coarse, small changes in life can lead to entirely different experiences. The more you express your appreciation, the more you will find yourself laughing and enjoying your life. Best wishes as you enjoy your journey and spread the joy to others!
Bibliography:
The Dali Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D. The Art of Happiness. New York: Riverhead, 1998.
Nhat Hahn, Thich. Being Peace. Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press, 1987.
Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now. Novato, CA: New World Library, 1997.
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